…and because Mary tagged me, here’s a little nifty meme for your pleasure!

One Word Meme (tag 4 more!)

1. Where is your cell phone? Unsure
2. Your significant other? non-existent
3. Your hair? Wild
4. Your mother? adorable
5. Your father?  wise
6. Your favorite thing? writing
7. Your dream last night? forgotten
8 Your favorite drink? orange (soda)
9. Your dream/goal? sing
10. The room you’re in?  Mine
11. Your hobby? photography
12. Your fear? speaking
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? married
14. What you’re not? snobby (ew)
15. Muffins? mmmmm
16. One of your wish list items? book
17. Where you grew up? California
18. The last thing you did? church
19. What are you wearing? pants
20. Favorite Gadget? ipod
21. Your pets? bulldogs
22. Your computer? love (hehe)
23. Your mood? upbeat!!
24. Missing someone? mindie!
25. Your car? tiny
26. Something you’re not wearing? thong (muahaha)
27. Favorite store? BARNESNNOBLE!!
28. Like someone? Nah
29. Your favorite color? GREEN!!!!!!!!!!!
30. When was the last time you laughed? CHURCH!!! (pastor is hilarious)
31. Last time you cried? cell

I won’t tag anyone, but if you’d like to do this meme, go on ahead!! Let me know so I can go take a peek at your answers! :D God bless, happy Sunday!!

I had an amazing time tonight.  There is nothing like being surrounded by people who love God with such an unwavering intensity.  It’s like that love transmits itself into you, contagious in every way possible.

As I was sitting there in that cozy starbucks couch, I reveled in the beauty and uniqueness of people.  I love listening to poetry, because it gives you a window view of the authors heart, thoughts, views and soul .  You don’t see the whole thing, but just enough to rustle your own heart.  My toes curled in anticipation as the next person went up to share.  Some even sang.  Oh what joy.  I sunk deeper into that sofa chair and let out a sigh of pure delight.  I have such a connection with words, especially words that are woven together to stir your own juices of imagination.  I wanted so badly to go up there, take that mic to my mouth and show them what I had inside.  LOL.  But what did I do?  I sat there and gave Levi a look that said “don’t you dare call me up”!!  I’m such an oxymoron sometimes.

I’m going to make a promise to myself and God.  Next month, when we have open mic, I AM going up there to either sing or read a poem.  I am.  I can’t stand it.  The desire to do so is sooooo strong in my heart, and I can’t go on ignoring it.  God places those types of feelings in us for a reason, to share and open up, to be heard.  I’m afraid that if I keep on putting a lid to my desires, that they will disappear, along with the gifts and talents that God has placed in me.  I can’t have that!!

I’m anxious.  Better days are around the corner.  I need to give Him praise through the tough days in order to make it and get to that next point.

I love you Jesus. :D You’re the best.  You always come right on time.  Just like you did last night at cell (bible study), because hello!? That word that was spoken was definitely for me!!!! :D  Phew!  Was it ever!

P.s.  Oh. Yeah.  It was SOOOOOOOOOOO hot today!! I felt like stripping all my clothes off and jumping into the nearest pool!!!! Ayayayay!!  I was just about at my melting point. Wackala.

Lately, I’ve been feeling very uninspired.  I’ve become discouraged when it comes to writing, I feel like anything that I write is just a heap of trash.  I’m not depressed, please don’t get me wrong, it’s more a feeling of discontentment.  I feel spiritually limp; just trudging my way through the day like a homeless man and his sack of belongings.  I feel like the richness of life and living for Christ has been sucked out of me.  I’m sure it’s nothing but a fleeting moment, but still.  I feel distant from God and that feeling of coldness has been slowly creeping in.  It’s funny how it happens, at first you don’t really notice, then all of a sudden it hits you like a slap to the face!  I don’t know.  Although I do know what it all comes down to; I’m not stupid.  I’ve just been lazy, or caught up with other things in life that I haven’t taken a moment to breathe and soak in God’s word.  Because really, His love letters and prayer are what truly sustain me and keep me focused.  It’s so easy to lose focus and sight of Him when you’re too busy to take a moment out to have a one on one.  I haven’t had a true heart to heart with God in a long time.  I mean, like alone time, just Him and I in my room, laying it all out, face wet with tears, mocos (snot) and all.

I know that I can’t lose His peace, but sometimes it sure does feel like it escapes me.  It runs and hides somewhere, waiting for me to come back to find out that it’s been there all along.  I run so faraway sometimes and lose myself in nonsensical crap.  I procrastinate.  I get so easily distracted.  I also get easily discouraged and give up when I feel like I just can’t do it anymore.  That’s something that I really want to work on.  I need to remind myself to see myself how God sees me.

Triumphant.  Successful.  Victorious.  A winner.

I have a lot of insecurities.  So silly how it always comes back to my self-esteem, right?  Don’t get mad at me, be patient please.  It’s just hard.  I guess so much negative was ingrained in me somehow back when I was a little girl.  I don’t know what it is, really, but it sure wears me thin sometimes.  I hate being a wuss. LOL.  That’s how I see it, I’m just being a big ole wuss.  I want to learn how to toughen up and speak my heart out.

You know, I daydream a lot.  I daydream of going up in front of a crowd and singing a song from the heart.  You know what I do?  I sing in the shower.  Words seem to bubble up easily from my spirit and a voice from deep within me slowly emerges into a life of it’s own.  A voice that I don’t even recognize at times.  A deep and soulful voice, because that is the type of song that speaks what I’m feeling.  Sometimes I just want to close my eyes so tightly and sing the pain, the joy, the fears, the love and every other emotion that crosses my path.  I want to share who I am with the world.  I hate feeling caged.  Remember, I’m not a caged bird, I’m a BRAVE BIRD!  So what’s going on with me?

I feel like every type of obstacle is hurling itself against my dreams.  Some moments I feel like I’m one foot away from them, but the next I feel like I’m stepping over that mountain only to find nothing there but air.  I hate that feeling of….being lost.  You know?  I feel like a child, throwing my arms in the air and stomping my feet and crying out to my father!!!!  The human heart can be so deceitful sometimes, which I find myself being.  I start questioning, and really, who am I to question Him.  *sigh*  I hate this feeling of going in “circles”.  Just like the people from Israel, when Moses led them out of Egypt. They wandered the desert for 40 years!!!!!!   Lord, I don’t want to keep wandering!!  Teach me and guide me.  I’m sick of feeling stuck.

I need to move on in life.  There is no question about it here.  Why is it taking so long?  What am I doing wrong?  What do I have to do?

Perhaps, I already know what I should do, but….why is it so hard?  Give me strength.  I want to reach my goals, my dreams.  I want to be that singer. That writer. That photographer of weddings. That makeup artist.  That English professor.  Lord, I wear my dreams on my sleeve…they are all here in the palm of my hand.  Are these just MY dreams, and that alone?  What do you have planned for me?

I lose myself and melt into you Lord. That’s all I can say.  I’m yours to do what you want with.  I’m sick of trying my way.  I suck at this.

So I have a bff at work (lol). He is married.  Anyways.  He is a flirt, and no I am not exaggerating, HE IS A FLIRT.  There is one particular girl that I notice him perking up out of his seat for and always trying to draw attention from.  It may be innocent, but still.  I guess you can say I am being protective, why, I have no idea.  I guess it’s because I wouldn’t want him to do anything stupid.

So anyways. I gave him a look and he responded with a wide-eyed, sideways smile and said, “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!? Geeez!”  LMBO!  He said, “I’m married, nothing would ever happen!  She knows I am married.”  I just closed my eyes and shrugged and just swung back and forth in my chair.  I was teasing him of course, because in reality it’s none of my business how he acts or who he talks to.But I mean, inside, it does kind of bother me.  Not because it’s HIM flirting, regardless, it would still bother me if it was some other dude doing it.  I guess because I have certain views, but of course, not everyone thinks like me.

The girl next to me asked me if I was the jealous type.  I gently nodded a “yes”.  I explained to her how I would not want my future *husband* flirting with different girls and giving them *eating you up* type of looks.  Yes, that WOULD bother me.  Those looks and those flirtatious acts should belong only to ME.  I would never be the type [at least i'd hope not] to create a scene or accuse him of cheating [unless there was proven evidence].  It’s more just something that I see as being faithful to me, you know?  I want my man to have eyes only for ME and not any other woman.  A serious man that would treat other woman respectfully and not go outside of the boundaries of marriage.  I can’t explain it.  I just pray to God that I marry a man that will fulfill that desire of mine.  Not because I’m some jealous psycho, but because I would want that respect and that type of love from a man that he couldn’t possibly imagine thinking of any other woman in “that” way but me.  You know?

Am I wrong to feel this way?  I can’t help it.  It is what it is. :D

Those italiano’s sure are some lil flirts though!  Goodness. LOL.